Steve Yastrow

Yastrow,

Thanks. I needed that.

Jay

Steve, Could you invest a VERY tiny Conversationometer monitoring machine and please make sure it is activated when I speak to my spouse!

Thanks, Eliot

PS – We need a graphic to go with this great blog!

Steve. as you have a habit of doing, you’ve hit on points of benefit to all of us. If I might add a related comment, one thing I learned about (and admittedly catch myself doing) is hearing only part of what the other person is saying in a conversation. Perhaps a form of “selective hearing.” If I take time to monitor my contribution to the dialogue (provided I make myself do it, which is not always easy, I’ll be the first to admit) I often hear only part of what the other person says then I stop effectively listening. What is really happening in such an instance is I’m busy rehearsing in my mind what my reply (or argument) to the words I did hear will be. This may sound like a normal thing to do, but it’s the wrong way to go about it. I *should* let them finish speaking and listen to every word. Failure to do so often robs me of the additional information that they are going to the trouble to share — information which might actually answer my question or already clear up my mental disagreement with them and avoid any misunderstandings or miscommunications.

If you will forgive me for posting a somewhat lengthy comment, I’d like to share something with you and others that comes from my Native American descent and participation in Native American leadership. It’s the use of the “talking stick” and “answering feather.”

When participating in “hoops” (the Native American version of meetings) we employ a talking stick and an answering feather to maintain respectful order and ensure the best dialog. Whoever has the talking stick is allowed to speak — without any interruptions from anyone — until he has said everything he wishes to share. Then, someone motions to request the answering feather, or it is passed around the hoop. Each person, while in possession of the answering feather, is in turn allowed to speak or ask questions without interruption from anyone. As does the person holding the talking stick, when finished speaking the person with the answering feather says “washteh” (in our hoops) which roughly translates to “That is all I have to say or ask at this time.” Interruptions are considered extremely rude. I can not tell you what the punishment or chastisement would be for interrupting as they simply do not occur in any of the many hoops (groups) I have attended. This form of dialog does take longer than most people are accustomed to. But I can promise you it is infinitely more effective than the discussions and meetings most people find themselves engaged in (or suffering through) especially in terms of the dialogue ending with understanding, clarity, and everyone knowing what is expected of them; moreover, the dialogue ends with everyone feeling respected and appreciated — something so often missing in the average discussions that take place in groups or even discussions between two individuals.

I think the real key to effective dialog between people is to begin with the goals of mutual respect and understanding in mind. Unfortunately, we typically begin with the mindset of proving our position regardless of what it takes. Add to that the fact that we are usually in a hurry and trying to be “efficient” instead of going for “effectiveness.” We often make this mistake at work, with friends, and in our relationships. It’s a very hard habit to change. It is especially difficult if you are the only person in the conversation attempting to take a more effective approach. That is why I sometimes conduct special sessions with teams and work groups where we do nothing but learn the concept of the talking stick and answering feather. Sometimes the groups actually end up employing the technique, using simple objects such as a stapler and roll of cellophane tape in place of the talking stick and answering feather.

I encourage folks to try it. It works, if everyone involved agrees to try. In the case of just two people engaged in a conversation, use just one object as a talking stick. Pass it back and forth, with full agreement that you don’t speak until the talking stick is in your hand. I’ve used it more than once with couples dealing with marital issues, as they are often so emotionally driven that they can’t communicate — their attempts to “talk” become hurtful competitions and shouting matches, and that has to be overcome, which this approach can achieve. And more than once, they’ve left the session holding hands and laughing, making comments like “I can’t believe we’ve been having such a hard time just talking to one another.” Heartfelt apologies are commonly heard.

This technique can totally change the course of a discussion. Often, after you’ve done it a few times, you’ll discover yourself not even needing a physical object, just as our hoops don’t always need them. Instead, a person speaks without interruptions and then says “I pass the talking stick to…” and very effective dialogue results from it. It is simply our normal way of doing things.

Try it. I dare you. It’s actually sort of fun, and is often addictive.

Steve – great post – and, as always, you make me think. I’m sure you have come across this famous quote:

“Conversation in the United States is a competitive exercise in which the first person to draw a breath is declared the listener.” – James Nathan Miller

As a Brit I’m not saying we are any better here in the UK by the way. I’ve met plenty of these folks!

Trevor, in some of the meetings I’ve been in (most especially medical staff meetings) the first person to draw a breath was usually the one about to gasp and have a myocardial infarction from the stress of the verbal battle.

You’re right, though. It’s truly pandemic from what I’ve witnessed and heard in my lifetime. Not to say I’m any better. I try. But I’m sure I’ve got plenty of room for improvement myself.