Comments on: Say it: “Are you here?”

By: What should we say to call someone out?

What should we say to call someone out? — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 03:44:56 +0000

[...] wrote a post back in December called, Are you here? in which I encouraged readers to call people out if they are not paying attention during a [...]

By: Steve Yastrow

Steve Yastrow — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:35:41 +0000

Nathan – I like your recommendation to ask a question, as opposed to make an accusation. The reason you’re right goes beyond the obvious, i.e., that it is more polite.

The thing you want to do is engage the other person in the moment with you. You need to invite the other person to be there with you, and questions are a good step to doing this, because listening invites.

By: Nathan

Nathan — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:30:15 +0000

Correction: The former is a question, the latter is an accusation.

By: Nathan

Nathan — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:29:01 +0000

A subtlety not mentioned directly in the blog post that it’s important to always use the form of a question.

That is, “Are you here with me?” is far better than, “You’re not paying attention to me.”

The former is is an accusation, the latter is a question. A question gets better results than an accusation. An accusation can be wrong, but a question is rarely improper.

Also: ask with genuine curiosity, not in an angry or annoyed tone.

Steve’s examples are all in the form of a question, which I agree with. However, I don’t agree with Steve’s encouragement to “call people out on it.” It reads to me as if Steve is saying “accuse them [of not paying attention].”

By: Amanda Cullen

Amanda Cullen — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:36:11 +0000

You are so right, Bonnie. People never take the opportunity to know themselves and yet they wonder why they aren’t happy. Until they get all this interpersonal stuff figured out, they will keep having a tough time with business!

By: Steve Yastrow

Steve Yastrow — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:38:20 +0000

Thanks for these examples … Explains why I went to both a guided meditation session and a yoga class today! If we can’t at peace with our own mind, and feel calm with our own thoughts, how can we engage with others? Nice observation. (Have a yar day tomorrow!)

By: bonnieL

bonnieL — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:27:10 +0000

Steve wrote: *what tells you that someone is not even engaged with themselves?*

The constant need to be engaged with “something.”
The always-on, always-connected mentality. It’s a frenetic aura of not wanting to be alone with ones’ “self” that follows some wherever they go.

eg. 1
When exercising, there’s nothing quite like listening
to one’s own body, yet, rather than listening to their heartbeats or their thoughts, people watch TV, listen to their i-Pods, read a magazine – anything – other than listen to themselves.

eg. 2
We sometimes lose our temper – but rather than engaging with ourselves and asking “why,” we just go on losing our tempers.

eg. 3
The insatiable need to talk to others – constantly – on the phone – to anyone – about anything – or about nothing.

That’s just three examples, you and your readers have probably observed many others.

yar my friend,
bonnieL
triiibe on!

By: Steve Yastrow

Steve Yastrow — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:09:44 +0000

Bonnie – what tells you that someone is not even engaged with themselves?

Steve

By: bonnieL

bonnieL — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:13:55 +0000

Yes Steve, the state of being “fully engaged” deserves to be revived. Even on one-to-one chat I can feel that the person on the other end has multiple windows open while chatting with me.

Sadder, still, is the fact that many have also lost the art of being fully engaged with themselves.

Count me in to point it out to others.

Yar,
bonnieL
triiibe on!